Is It “Imposter Syndrome” or Are You Just in a Toxic Workplace?
I was convinced I had severe imposter syndrome. I was anxious all the time, constantly second-guessing myself, and terrified of being “found out.” But in therapy, I realized something. My boss publicly criticized mistakes, my colleagues would take credit for my work, and the goals were constantly shifting. I didn’t feel like an impostor because I was inadequate; I felt like an impostor because I was in a toxic, unstable environment that was designed to make me feel that way. The problem wasn’t me; it was the workplace.
The “Emotional Labor” I Did at Work That Never Showed Up on My Performance Review
I was the one who planned the office birthday parties, who listened to my coworker’s relationship problems, who smoothed over the tense meetings. This “emotional labor” was expected of me as a woman in the office. It created a positive team environment, but it was completely invisible. It never showed up on my performance review or contributed to my promotions. I was doing two jobs—my actual job, and the unpaid, exhausting job of managing the office’s feelings.
I Hit the “Glass Ceiling” and It Sent Me Into a Depression
I had worked tirelessly for years, consistently outperforming my male peers. When the senior leadership position opened up, it was a no-brainer. I was the most qualified. They gave it to a less-experienced man. The day I found out, something inside me broke. It wasn’t just about the job; it was the stark, undeniable proof that the system was rigged. The sense of hopelessness, that my hard work would never be enough, sent me into a deep, dark depression.
How I Took a Mental Health Leave of Absence (And Kept My Job)
I was completely burned out and depressed. I knew I needed a real break. I was terrified of asking for it. I went to my doctor and explained my symptoms. She diagnosed me with an anxiety and depressive disorder and wrote me a note recommending a leave of absence. I then went to HR, not my boss, and submitted my request for FMLA leave. I didn’t over-explain. I simply stated I was taking a medical leave as recommended by my doctor. It was a formal, professional process that protected my job and my privacy.
The “Likeability Trap”: Why Women Can’t Win at Work
As a woman in a leadership role, I felt trapped. If I was direct and assertive, like my male colleagues, I was labeled “abrasive” or “bitchy.” If I was collaborative and nurturing, I was seen as “nice” but not a strong leader. This is the likeability trap. I was constantly modulating my personality, trying to find the impossible balance between being respected and being liked. The mental gymnastics were exhausting and a major contributor to my anxiety.
My “Work Persona” Was So Perfect, No One Knew I Was Falling Apart
At work, I was “Super-Laura.” I was organized, cheerful, and always on top of my game. I never missed a deadline. My work persona was flawless. No one knew that I would go home and collapse on the couch, too exhausted to even make dinner. No one knew I had panic attacks in the bathroom stall. The disconnect between my perfect professional facade and my crumbling inner world was immense. The performance was so convincing that it made it impossible to ask for help.
The Burnout From Being the “Office Mom”
Somehow, I had become the “office mom.” I was the one who remembered everyone’s birthdays, who organized the team lunches, who people came to when they needed to vent. I was expected to do the nurturing, caretaking work of the office. While I enjoyed parts of it, the role was exhausting and completely unacknowledged. I was spending my emotional energy taking care of my colleagues, leaving nothing for myself. This uncompensated emotional labor was a direct path to my burnout.
How to Set Boundaries With a Boss Who Thinks You’re Available 24/7
My boss would email me at 10 PM and text me on Sunday mornings, and I felt pressure to respond immediately. My anxiety was through the roof. I had to set a boundary. I had a direct conversation with him. I said, “To do my best work, I need time to disconnect and recharge. Moving forward, I will be responding to emails and messages during my work hours of 9 to 5.” It was terrifying, but he respected it. I had to teach him how to treat me.
The Day I Realized My “Dream Job” Was a Nightmare for My Mental Health
I had landed my “dream job” at a prestigious creative agency. The work was exciting, but the culture was toxic. It was a pressure cooker of impossible deadlines, constant criticism, and a “work-hard, play-hard” mentality that blurred all boundaries. I was anxious, I wasn’t sleeping, and I had started having panic attacks. I had to face a hard truth: the job that looked so impressive on my resume was a complete nightmare for my mental health. My dream had become a prison.
The Surprising Link Between My People-Pleasing and My Stagnant Salary
I was a chronic people-pleaser at work. I would take on extra projects without complaint, I would never say “no,” and I was terrified of ruffling any feathers. I thought this made me a good employee. But at my performance review, I realized my salary had barely budged in three years. My people-pleasing had made me easy to take advantage of. I was so afraid of being seen as “difficult” that I had never advocated for myself or negotiated for what I was truly worth.
How to Handle a Male Colleague Who Takes Credit for Your Ideas
I would present an idea in a meeting, and it would be met with silence. Ten minutes later, a male colleague would rephrase my exact same idea, and suddenly, everyone would think it was brilliant. This happened constantly. It was infuriating and demoralizing. I learned a new tactic. The next time it happened, I calmly interjected, “Thank you, Mark, for expanding on my earlier point. I’m glad you agree that this is a strong direction.” It was a polite, professional way of reclaiming my idea without being confrontational.
The Quiet Rage of Being “Talked Over” in Meetings
I would be in the middle of making a point in a meeting, and a male colleague would just start talking over me, completely dismissing what I was saying. It happened so often that I started to just stop talking. Each time, a quiet, hot rage would build inside me. It was the feeling of being rendered invisible, of my voice not mattering. This constant experience of being silenced was a significant factor in my feelings of hopelessness and depression at work.
I Was a “High-Achiever” Fueled by Anxiety. Here’s What Happened When I Crashed
My entire career was built on a foundation of anxiety. The fear of failure was my primary motivator. It made me a meticulous, high-achieving employee. I pulled all-nighters, I obsessed over every detail. This was sustainable for a while. Then, I hit a wall. A period of intense personal stress broke my system. My anxiety turned into a debilitating depression, and I couldn’t function at all. I had been running on adrenaline for so long that when the fuel ran out, the engine completely seized.
How to Negotiate for What You’re Worth When You Feel Worthless
My depression was telling me I was a worthless impostor. At the same time, I had a performance review and needed to ask for a raise. It felt impossible. I had to take my “feelings” out of it and focus on the “facts.” I spent a week creating a “brag file”—a document with a bulleted list of my specific accomplishments, with quantifiable data and positive feedback from colleagues. I wasn’t negotiating based on how I felt; I was negotiating based on the undeniable evidence of my value.
The Loneliness of Being the Only Woman in the Room
I was an engineer, and I was often the only woman in high-level meetings. The loneliness was profound. I had no one to share a knowing glance with when a male colleague made a sexist joke. There was no one to back me up when my idea was ignored. I had to constantly monitor my own behavior, to be careful not to seem “too emotional” or “too aggressive.” This constant state of being an outsider, of having to represent my entire gender, was an exhausting and isolating burden.
“You Should Smile More”: The Microaggressions That Chip Away at Your Soul
It was the constant, small things. A male colleague telling me to “smile more” in a meeting. Someone commenting on my “aggressive” tone in an email. Being asked to take notes or order the lunch, even though I was a senior member of the team. These weren’t huge, fireable offenses. They were microaggressions. And each one was like a tiny paper cut. Alone, they were nothing. But over time, they added up to a thousand cuts that slowly chipped away at my confidence and my soul.
The “Maternal Wall”: How Motherhood Stalled My Career
Before I had my son, I was on the fast track. After I came back from maternity leave, everything changed. I was passed over for challenging projects. I was no longer invited to important after-hours meetings. My commitment was suddenly questioned. This is the “maternal wall”—the powerful, unconscious bias that assumes mothers are less dedicated to their careers. It was a frustrating, invisible barrier that stalled my professional growth.
How I Found a Job With a Truly “Flexible” Culture
Every company talks about “flexibility,” but most don’t mean it. I started looking for a new job with a list of specific questions. In interviews, I would ask, “Can you give me an example of how the team supports a parent with a sick child?” “What are the core work hours, and what is the expectation for communication outside of those hours?” I wasn’t looking for a company that had a foosball table; I was looking for a company whose leaders modeled healthy work-life boundaries.
The Day I Quit Without Another Job Lined Up
My job was destroying my mental health. The toxic culture and the long hours had pushed me into a deep depression. I was trying to wait until I found another job, but I was crumbling. One day, after a particularly brutal meeting, I walked back to my desk, typed a simple resignation letter, and handed it to my boss. I had no plan. It was the most terrifying and liberating moment of my life. I was choosing my own sanity over the security of a paycheck.
The Surprising Way My Depression Made Me Re-evaluate My Career Path
I had always been on a linear, ambitious career path. My depression blew it all up. In the quiet space of my recovery, I had to re-evaluate everything. I realized my old career was fueled by external validation and a need to prove myself. For the first time, I asked myself, “What kind of work would actually feel meaningful to me?” My depression was a painful catalyst that forced me to get off the wrong path and start searching for one that was aligned with my true values.
How to Handle Crying at Work
I was in a one-on-one meeting with my manager, and the stress of the past few weeks caught up with me. I started to cry. The shame was immediate. My instinct was to apologize profusely. Instead, I took a breath and said, “I apologize, I’m having a strong emotional reaction. Can we take a five-minute break?” This allowed me to compose myself without acting like my emotion was an unforgivable crime. It framed it as a human moment, not a professional failure.
The “Productivity Guilt” of Taking a Real Lunch Break
I used to eat my sad desk salad while answering emails. The thought of taking a full hour for lunch filled me with a vague “productivity guilt.” I felt like I should always be working. I had to force myself to change. I started by taking just a 20-minute walk outside. The break from the screen and the fresh air made me so much more focused and productive in the afternoon. I learned that taking a real break isn’t a waste of time; it’s a strategic necessity.
My Checklist for a “Mentally Healthy” Workplace
After leaving a toxic job, I created a checklist for my next job search. 1. Do leaders model work-life boundaries? 2. Is psychological safety valued? (i.e., Is it safe to make a mistake?) 3. Is feedback given constructively and privately? 4. Is there a value placed on rest and disconnection? 5. Are there opportunities for growth that don’t just lead to more stress? This checklist helped me evaluate potential employers based on culture, not just salary.
The Surprising Power of a “Work Bestie” for Your Mental Health
The corporate world can be a lonely place. Finding a “work bestie,” a trusted colleague I could be real with, was a game-changer for my mental health. She was the person I could send a quick message to after a terrible meeting and say, “Was that as bad as I thought it was?” She was my sanity check, my private sounding board, my ally. That one, trusted friendship made the daily stresses of a difficult workplace feel infinitely more manageable.
How I Dealt With a Toxic Female Boss
I thought a female boss would be more empathetic. I was wrong. My boss was a micromanager who fostered a culture of competition and fear among the women on her team. She was a product of the same toxic system she had come up through. Dealing with her required me to be hyper-professional. I documented everything. I communicated primarily through email to create a paper trail. And I focused on building strong alliances with my peers. It was about strategy and self-preservation.
The “Success Hangover”: I Got the Promotion and Felt Nothing
I had worked for two years to get the big promotion. The day I got it, I felt a brief moment of relief, followed by a profound emptiness. This was the “success hangover.” I had been so focused on the destination that I had forgotten to build a life I enjoyed along the way. The achievement itself couldn’t fill the void. This experience taught me that external validation is like a drug with a very short half-life. True satisfaction had to come from the process, not just the outcome.
How to Explain a Resume Gap Caused by a Mental Health Break
I had a nine-month gap on my resume after I left a job due to burnout. I was terrified of how to explain it in interviews. I developed a simple, professional, and honest script. I would say, “After my last role, I had to take some planned time off to handle a personal health matter. I’m happy to say that it has been fully resolved, and I used the time to rest and clarify my career goals, which has led me to be very excited about this particular opportunity.” It’s confident, it’s brief, and it redirects to the future.
The Day I Stopped Volunteering for “Non-Promotable” Tasks
I was always the one to volunteer to plan the office party, to mentor the interns, to take notes in the meeting. These are “non-promotable” tasks. They are important for the company culture, but they don’t lead to advancement. I noticed my male colleagues never volunteered for them. I made a conscious decision to stop. The next time someone asked for a volunteer to plan the holiday party, I stayed silent. It was a small act of rebellion to protect my time for the work that would actually advance my career.
The Surprising Benefits of a “Lateral” Career Move for My Sanity
I was on a vertical career path, constantly climbing. But the higher I got, the more stress and responsibility I had. I was miserable. I made a radical choice: I took a “lateral” move to a different department. It was the same title and pay, but the work was more aligned with my skills, and the culture was less intense. My ambitious friends saw it as a failure. I saw it as a strategic move to prioritize my sanity over my status. It was the best career decision I ever made.
How I Learned to Brag About My Accomplishments Without Feeling Icky
As a woman, I was socialized to be humble and not “brag.” This was hurting my career. I had to learn how to talk about my accomplishments. I started by reframing it. I wasn’t “bragging”; I was “stating facts about the value I delivered.” I would practice saying my accomplishments out loud. Instead of “I helped with the project,” I learned to say, “I led the project that resulted in a 15% increase in revenue.” It was about using confident, data-driven language.
The “Return to Office” Anxiety After Years of Working From Home
After two years of working from home, the “return to office” mandate sent my anxiety into overdrive. I was anxious about the commute, about the forced small talk, about having to be “on” all day. Working from home had been a protective bubble for my mental health. The return meant I had to rebuild my “work persona” and my coping strategies for a much more stimulating and draining environment. It required a new level of intentionality and boundary-setting.
My “Shutdown Ritual” to Separate Work Life From Home Life
Working from home meant my work life bled into every corner of my home life. I created a “shutdown ritual” to create a clear boundary. At 5:30 PM, I would review my to-do list for the next day. I would tidy my desk. Then, I would close my laptop and say, out loud, “Work is done.” This simple, physical act of closing the laptop and the verbal declaration was a powerful signal to my brain that it was time to transition out of “work mode.”
How I Used My “Sensitivity” as a Superpower in My Career
I was always told I was “too sensitive” for the corporate world. For a long time, I believed it. But in my recovery, I reframed it. My sensitivity is what makes me an empathetic leader. It allows me to “read the room” in a tense negotiation. It helps me notice when a team member is struggling. My sensitivity isn’t a liability; it’s my leadership superpower. It allows me to connect with people on a human level in a way that my less-sensitive colleagues cannot.
The Day I Realized “Leaning In” Was Just a Recipe for Burnout
I had read “Lean In” and I was doing it all. I was taking on every project, speaking up in every meeting, negotiating hard. And I was completely and utterly burned out. I realized that for many women, who are already carrying the extra weight of emotional labor and systemic bias, “leaning in” without strong boundaries and a supportive system is just a recipe for exhaustion and depression. Sometimes, the most powerful move is to “lean back” and protect your own well-being.
The Subtle Art of Saying “No” to Your Boss
My boss asked me to take on another major project when my plate was already overflowing. My default was to say “yes” and then suffer in silence. I learned a new script. I said, “Thank you for trusting me with this. My current priorities are X and Y. To take this on, which of those should I de-prioritize to ensure I can deliver high-quality work?” This didn’t say “no.” It presented it as a strategic choice about priorities. It was a collaborative way of setting a boundary.
How I Found a Mentor Who Advocated for Me
I was doing great work, but I wasn’t getting noticed by senior leadership. I found a senior female leader in another department who I admired, and I asked her for a 30-minute coffee meeting. I asked her for her career advice. We built a relationship, and she became my mentor. But more importantly, she became my advocate. In the high-level meetings I wasn’t in, she would mention my name and my accomplishments. Her advocacy was the key that unlocked opportunities for me.
The “What’s Next?” Anxiety After Achieving a Major Career Goal
I had worked for years to achieve a major goal: getting published. The day it happened, I felt a brief moment of joy, followed by a huge wave of anxiety. “What’s next?” The goal had been my guiding star for so long, and without it, I felt adrift and purposeless. I learned that it’s crucial to enjoy the achievement, but also to have a plan for what you will focus on after the goal is met, to avoid the “arrival fallacy” and the subsequent emptiness.
My Journey From “Ambitious” to “Content”
My entire identity was wrapped up in being “ambitious.” I was always striving for the next thing. My burnout and depression forced a major re-evaluation. My new goal wasn’t ambition; it was contentment. This didn’t mean I stopped caring. It meant I started focusing on finding joy and satisfaction in my current reality, rather than constantly chasing a future, better one. I traded a life of relentless striving for one of quiet, sustainable peace.
The Surprising Way a “Side Hustle” Helped Me Cope With My Day Job
My day job was draining and unfulfilling. I started a small “side hustle” on Etsy, selling my pottery. It didn’t make much money, but it was a source of immense creative joy and a feeling of control. It was a part of my professional life that was entirely my own. This small, creative outlet became a powerful antidote to the stress of my corporate job. It refilled my cup and gave me a sense of purpose that my day job was lacking.
How I Dealt With the Sunday Scaries That Ruined My Whole Weekend
The “Sunday Scaries” would start on Sunday morning, a cloud of dread about the coming work week that ruined my day of rest. I started a new ritual: “Sunday Fun-day.” I would intentionally schedule something I truly looked forward to every Sunday afternoon—a hike, a movie, lunch with a friend. This gave me a positive focal point for the day. I also made sure my Sunday evenings were calm and relaxing, not filled with frantic prep for the week ahead.
The Day I Chose a Lower-Paying Job for My Peace of Mind
I was offered two jobs. One was a prestigious role with a high salary and long hours. The other was a less impressive title with a twenty thousand dollar pay cut, but it offered a 40-hour work week and a supportive culture. The old me would have taken the money and status in a heartbeat. The new me, the one who had been through the fire of burnout, chose my peace of mind. It was the best financial investment I ever made.
The Unspoken Rules of Office Politics That Were Draining Me
I hated office politics. The gossip, the subtle power plays, the need to “manage up”—it all felt inauthentic and draining. I thought I had to play the game to succeed. I decided to opt out. I focused on doing excellent work and building genuine, positive relationships with my colleagues. I refused to engage in gossip. I found that by being a straight-shooter who was reliable and kind, I was able to build a different kind of power, one based on respect, not manipulation.
How I Built a “Brag File” to Combat My Imposter Syndrome
My brain has a tendency to forget all my accomplishments and focus only on my mistakes. To combat this, I created a “brag file.” It’s a simple folder in my email where I save any positive feedback I receive—a nice comment from my boss, a thank-you note from a client, data that shows the success of a project. When my imposter syndrome flares up and tells me I’m a fraud, I open my brag file and read the objective evidence of my own competence.
The Surprising Freedom of Being “Good Enough” at My Job
I was a perfectionist, and it was killing me. I would spend hours agonizing over the final 5% of a project. I made a conscious decision to start aiming for “good enough” instead of “perfect.” I would submit the report when it was a solid B+, not a mythical A+. The surprising result was that no one noticed the difference. But I noticed. I had so much more time and mental energy. The freedom of letting go of perfectionism was immense.
The “Career Compass” Exercise I Did to Find My True North
Feeling lost in my career, I did a “Career Compass” exercise. I drew a circle and divided it into three sections: 1. What am I good at? 2. What do I enjoy? 3. What does the world need (or what can I get paid for)? The intersection of these three circles was my “true north.” This simple visualization helped me see that my current job only hit one of the three criteria. It gave me a clear direction for what I should be looking for next.
How I Used My Sick Days for My Mental Health, Guilt-Free
I used to think sick days were only for physical illness. But my depression and anxiety were making me just as incapacitated as the flu. I started using my sick days for my mental health. If I woke up in a deep depressive slump, I would call in sick. I didn’t lie; I would just say I was “unwell.” I realized that my mental health is my health, and taking a day to rest and recover was a necessary and legitimate use of my sick leave.
The Day I Blocked My Boss’s Number on My Personal Phone
My boss had a habit of texting me at all hours of the evening and on weekends. Each text would send a jolt of anxiety through me. I had asked him to stop, but he “forgot.” So, I took a radical step. I blocked his number. The next day at work, I told him, “I’ve blocked your number on my personal phone to help me maintain a healthy work-life boundary. If there is a true emergency after hours, you can email me with ‘URGENT’ in the subject line.” It was a bold but necessary move.
The Exhaustion of Code-Switching in a Corporate Environment
As a woman of color in a predominantly white, male corporate environment, I was constantly “code-switching.” I was monitoring my language, my tone, my hair, my very presence to make my colleagues feel comfortable. This constant self-editing, this performance of a “corporate-friendly” version of myself, was utterly exhausting. It was a heavy, invisible tax I had to pay every single day just to be seen as professional.
A Letter to the Woman Who Feels Trapped in Her Career
To the woman who dreads Monday mornings, who feels her soul being crushed by her job: I see you. You are not ungrateful for feeling this way. Your desire for meaningful, respectful work is valid. You are not trapped. You have more agency than you think. It may not happen overnight, but you can start by taking one small step toward a different future. Update your resume. Take an online class. Reach out to one person for a coffee. You deserve a career that nurtures you, not one that depletes you.
How to Build a Career That Nurtures Your Soul, Not Just Your Bank Account
I had built a career that looked great on paper but felt empty in my soul. Building a new one required me to ask different questions. Instead of “What job pays the most?”, I asked, “What kind of work makes me feel energized and purposeful?” Instead of “What is the most prestigious company?”, I asked, “What company has a culture that aligns with my values?” It was a shift from building a resume to building a life.