The Week Before My Period, I Became a Different Person. The Truth About PMDD
For one week every month, I became a stranger to myself. The “me” who was rational and kind was replaced by a woman filled with uncontrollable rage, anxiety, and a deep, suicidal hopelessness. Then, the day my period would start, it would vanish, like a switch had been flipped. I thought I was going crazy. I finally learned this wasn’t just bad PMS; it was Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), a severe mood disorder caused by my brain’s extreme sensitivity to normal hormonal fluctuations. It was a real, diagnosable condition.
I Thought I Had Bipolar Disorder. It Turned Out to Be a Severe Hormonal Imbalance
My moods were so cyclical and extreme that my first doctor suggested I might have bipolar disorder. I’d have two “good” weeks where I felt energetic and capable, followed by two weeks of deep depression and anxiety. It was a predictable pattern. Frustrated, I started tracking my moods alongside my menstrual cycle. The evidence was undeniable: my “episodes” were perfectly synced with my hormones. It wasn’t bipolar disorder; it was a severe case of PMDD. Getting the right diagnosis was the key that unlocked the right treatment.
“Baby Blues” vs. Postpartum Depression: The Line I Crossed Without Realizing It
The “baby blues” hit me a few days after I got home from the hospital. I was weepy and overwhelmed, but it passed after about a week. Then, around six weeks postpartum, a different darkness set in. It wasn’t just weepiness; it was a profound sense of dread, numbness, and a complete inability to feel joy. I was going through the motions of caring for my baby, but I felt nothing. That was the line I had crossed. The baby blues are transient; postpartum depression (PPD) is a persistent, clinical illness that requires treatment.
I Loved My Baby, But I Was So Angry. The Truth About Postpartum Rage
I loved my newborn son with every fiber of my being. But when he wouldn’t stop crying, I would be filled with a hot, terrifying rage. I’d have to put him safely in his crib and go into another room to scream into a pillow. The rage was followed by waves of crushing guilt. “What kind of mother feels this way?” I learned that postpartum rage is a common, but deeply hidden, symptom of PPD and postpartum anxiety. It’s not a sign of being a bad mother; it’s a sign of a brain in crisis.
My Perimenopause “Mood Swings” Felt Like I Was Losing My Mind
In my mid-forties, my moods started to go haywire. I would burst into tears for no reason. I had intense anxiety and heart palpitations. I felt a constant, low-grade irritability. I was sure I was losing my mind. My doctor explained that during perimenopause, as estrogen levels fluctuate and decline, it can wreak havoc on the neurotransmitters that regulate mood. My “mood swings” weren’t me going crazy; they were a direct, physiological response to the chaotic hormonal shifts in my brain.
How I Tracked My Cycle to Predict (and Manage) My Depressive Episodes
I felt like my depressive episodes were random attacks. I started tracking my menstrual cycle using a simple app. Every day, I would also rate my mood, anxiety, and energy levels. After three months, the pattern was as clear as day. My mood would start to plummet exactly ten days before my period, and would lift the day I started bleeding. This data was power. I could finally predict my “bad weeks.” I learned to schedule less, increase my self-care, and warn my husband, “The storm is coming.”
The Day I Realized My Birth Control Was Wrecking My Mental Health
I had been on the same hormonal birth control pill for years. I had also been struggling with a persistent, low-grade depression and anxiety. I never connected the two. As an experiment, with my doctor’s guidance, I decided to go off the pill. After about two months, it was like a gray fog had lifted from my brain. I felt more like myself than I had in a decade. I realized that for my body, the synthetic hormones in the pill had been a major contributing factor to my poor mental health.
“You’re Just Hormonal” – The Most Dangerous Phrase a Doctor Can Say
I went to my doctor describing my severe premenstrual mood swings, my anxiety, my hopelessness. He patted my hand and said, “You’re a woman. You’re just hormonal.” His dismissal was devastating. He made me feel like my intense suffering was just a normal, acceptable part of being a woman. That phrase, “you’re just hormonal,” is so dangerous because it invalidates real, treatable medical conditions like PMDD and PPD, and leaves women to suffer in silence, believing their pain is not legitimate.
How I Advocated for Myself to Get a PMDD Diagnosis
After my doctor dismissed my symptoms, I knew I had to advocate for myself. I spent the next three months meticulously tracking my symptoms on a daily chart, mapping them against my menstrual cycle. I printed out the diagnostic criteria for PMDD from a reputable medical source. I went back to the doctor armed with this folder of evidence. I calmly presented my data and said, “My symptoms align perfectly with the clinical diagnosis for PMDD. I need to discuss treatment options.” He finally listened.
The “Luteal Phase From Hell”: A Survival Guide
The luteal phase—the ten to fourteen days before my period—was my personal hell. I developed a survival guide. 1. I cleared my social calendar as much as possible. 2. I meal-prepped healthy, stabilizing foods. 3. I prioritized sleep above all else. 4. I increased my intake of magnesium and B6 supplements. 5. I warned my partner, “It’s luteal week,” so he knew to be extra patient. 6. I gave myself immense grace and compassion. It was about managing the phase, not fighting it.
The Surprising Link Between My Thyroid and My Depression
I was diagnosed with depression, but the antidepressants weren’t fully working. I was still exhausted and foggy. My new doctor decided to run a full thyroid panel, not just the standard TSH test. It turned out I had Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune condition that attacks the thyroid. The symptoms of hypothyroidism—fatigue, depression, brain fog—are almost identical to those of depression. By treating my underlying thyroid condition, my mental health improved more than it ever had with just antidepressants alone.
How Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Saved My Sanity During Perimenopause
My perimenopause was a nightmare of anxiety, hot flashes, insomnia, and rage. I felt like I was losing my mind. After much research, I found a doctor who specialized in menopause. She started me on a low dose of bioidentical estrogen and progesterone. Within a month, I felt like myself again. The anxiety quieted, I could sleep through the night, and my mood stabilized. HRT wasn’t just about managing physical symptoms; it was a crucial treatment that gave me my sanity back.
The Grief and Identity Crisis of Infertility and IVF
The journey through infertility and IVF was a monthly cycle of hope and despair. Each failed cycle felt like a death, a grief that no one around me understood. My body was pumped full of powerful hormones that left me feeling bloated and emotionally volatile. My entire identity became consumed by my “broken” body. The process was a profound trauma, and the depression and anxiety that resulted were a natural response to the relentless physical and emotional assault of it all.
My Postpartum Anxiety Was Worse Than My Depression
Everyone talks about postpartum depression, but my biggest struggle was anxiety. I was in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. I would lie awake at night, just watching the baby breathe. I had terrifying, intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to him. I couldn’t relax for a single second. The anxiety was a physical sensation—a constant, buzzing, electric current of fear running through my body. For me, the depression was a secondary symptom of the completely overwhelming and untreated postpartum anxiety.
How I Explained My “Scary Thoughts” to My OB-GYN
I was having intrusive, unwanted thoughts about dropping my baby. The shame was immense. I was terrified to tell my doctor, sure she would think I was a monster. At my six-week checkup, I forced the words out. “I’m having some really scary thoughts that I know aren’t true,” I whispered. She just nodded calmly and said, “That is a very common symptom of postpartum anxiety. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom; it means your brain’s alarm system is broken. We can treat this.” Her calm response was everything.
The Supplements That Actually Helped My Hormonal Mood Swings
While not a cure, a few key supplements made a noticeable difference in my cyclical mood swings. I started taking Magnesium Glycinate daily, which helped with anxiety and sleep. During my luteal phase, I would add in Vitamin B6, which can help with mood regulation, and Calcium. I also took a high-quality fish oil for its anti-inflammatory effects on the brain. These supplements weren’t a replacement for medical treatment, but they were a valuable part of my overall management strategy.
The “Weaning Depression” No One Warned Me About
I decided to stop breastfeeding when my son was a year old. I was not prepared for the emotional crash that followed. As my milk supply dried up, my hormone levels of prolactin and oxytocin plummeted. I was plunged into a deep, dark depression that felt just like my earlier postpartum depression. No one had warned me that this was a possibility. This “weaning depression” is a real, physiological event caused by the abrupt hormonal shift, and it needs to be talked about more.
Is It Early Menopause or Just My Life Falling Apart?
In my early forties, everything felt like it was falling apart. I was anxious, I couldn’t sleep, my periods were getting weird, and I was filled with rage. I blamed it on stress, my job, my marriage. I thought I was having a mid-life crisis. A blood test revealed the truth: my FSH levels were high and my estrogen was low. I was in perimenopause. The feelings of my life falling apart weren’t a psychological crisis; they were the direct result of a major hormonal transition.
The Diet Changes I Made That Dramatically Improved My PMDD Symptoms
To manage my PMDD, I got serious about my diet. I dramatically reduced my intake of sugar and refined carbohydrates to stabilize my blood sugar, which in turn stabilized my mood. I cut out caffeine, which was a major anxiety trigger, especially in my luteal phase. I focused on an anti-inflammatory diet rich in Omega-3s, leafy greens, and lean protein. These dietary changes didn’t cure my PMDD, but they significantly reduced the severity of my monthly symptoms.
How I Knew It Was Time to Consider an Antidepressant for My PMDD
I had tried everything for my PMDD: diet, supplements, exercise, therapy. And while these things helped, the two weeks before my period were still a nightmare of suicidal ideation and rage that was affecting my job and my family. I knew it was time to consider medication when the non-medical interventions were no longer enough to keep me safe and functional. Starting a low-dose SSRI, which I only took during my luteal phase, was the final piece of the puzzle that gave me my life back.
The Loneliness of Postpartum Depression When Everyone Expects You to Be Blissful
I had just had a beautiful, healthy baby. I was supposed to be blissful. Everyone who visited would say, “Aren’t you just so in love?” I would smile and nod, but inside I felt empty, terrified, and disconnected. The gap between how I was supposed to feel and how I actually felt created a profound and lonely shame. I felt like a monster, a defective mother. The loneliness of PPD is unique because you are surrounded by joy and expectation, which makes your own darkness feel even more isolating.
How My Partner and I Made a “PMDD Action Plan”
My PMDD was hurting my marriage. My husband never knew when the “other me” would show up. We decided to create a proactive “PMDD Action Plan.” Using my cycle tracking app, we knew when my luteal phase was coming. During that time, we agreed to put all major decisions on hold. He agreed to take the lead on housework and childcare. I agreed to communicate when I needed space. This plan turned us from adversaries into teammates, fighting the PMDD together.
The “Brain Fog” of Menopause: It’s Not Just You
I used to be so sharp, but in my late forties, my brain felt like mush. I’d lose my train of thought mid-sentence, forget names, and struggle with basic concentration. I was terrified I was developing early dementia. This cognitive “brain fog” is a very real, and very common, symptom of perimenopause. The declining levels of estrogen have a direct impact on the parts of the brain responsible for memory and focus. It’s a physiological issue, not a personal failing.
The Surprising Connection Between Endometriosis and Depression
I lived with the chronic, debilitating pain of endometriosis for years. I was also chronically depressed. I thought they were two separate issues. I learned that there is a strong link between them. The constant, chronic pain of endometriosis keeps the body in a state of high alert and inflammation, which directly impacts brain chemistry and mood. My depression wasn’t just a psychological reaction to the pain; it was a physiological consequence of it.
The Day I Stopped “Powering Through” My Period Pain and Got Help
For years, I would spend two days a month curled up in a ball with debilitating period pain. I would just “power through” it with massive doses of ibuprofen. I thought this was just a normal part of being a woman. The day I had to cancel a major work presentation because the pain was so bad, I realized this wasn’t normal. I finally went to a specialist who diagnosed me with endometriosis. The day I stopped accepting my pain as normal was the day I started my journey to real treatment.
How Seed Cycling and Nutrition Became My First Line of Defense
Before I turned to medication, I wanted to try nutritional approaches for my hormonal imbalances. I started “seed cycling.” I would eat flax and pumpkin seeds during the first half of my cycle, and sesame and sunflower seeds during the second half, to naturally support my estrogen and progesterone levels. I also focused on a diet rich in hormone-supportive foods. While it wasn’t a cure-all, this nutritional approach became a powerful first line of defense that helped to balance my system.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of a Miscarriage
A miscarriage isn’t just a physical event; it’s a brutal emotional rollercoaster. It’s the grief for a child you’ll never meet. It’s the hormonal crash that sends you into a deep depression. It’s the feeling that your body has failed you. It’s a lonely, often silent, trauma. The depression and anxiety that follow a miscarriage are not an overreaction; they are a normal, human response to a significant loss and a major physiological event.
“Is This My Body Anymore?” – The Disconnection I Felt Postpartum
After I gave birth, I didn’t recognize my own body. It was stretched, scarred, and leaking. Nothing felt like it was mine. This profound sense of physical disconnection was deeply unsettling and contributed to my postpartum depression. I felt like a stranger in my own skin. Part of my healing was a slow, gentle process of reclaiming my body—through gentle stretching, nourishing food, and immense compassion for what it had been through. It was about learning to befriend my new body.
How to Find a “Hormone-Literate” Doctor or Therapist
My first few doctors dismissed my hormonal symptoms. I realized I needed a “hormone-literate” professional. I started searching specifically for doctors with certifications from NAMS (The North American Menopause Society) or therapists who listed “women’s hormonal health” or “PMDD” as a specialty on their profiles. I would call their office and ask directly, “Does the doctor have experience treating perimenopausal mood disorders?” Being a proactive, educated consumer was key to finding the right care.
The Surprising Way My Sleep Cycle Was Linked to My Hormonal Cycle
I noticed a pattern in my sleep. In the two weeks before my period, I would have terrible insomnia. I’d be tired but wired, unable to fall or stay asleep. I learned that the drop in progesterone during the luteal phase is often the culprit, as progesterone has a calming, sedative effect. By tracking this, I could anticipate my bad sleep weeks. I would be extra diligent about my sleep hygiene during this time and use tools like magnesium to help me rest.
The “Intrusive Thoughts” of PPD Are Terrifying, But They Don’t Make You a Bad Mom
When I had postpartum depression, I was plagued by terrifying, intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to my baby. I was so ashamed and scared, convinced I was a monster. My therapist explained that these thoughts are a classic, though deeply hidden, symptom of postpartum anxiety and OCD. They are not your real desires. They are a sign of a brain in a state of extreme hyper-vigilance. The thoughts don’t make you a bad mom; the fact that they horrify you is proof that you are a good one.
How I Differentiated Between PMS and PMDD
I always thought I just had bad PMS. But my therapist helped me differentiate. PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) is when you feel bloated, crampy, and a bit moody. It’s unpleasant. PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) is when, for one to two weeks, you feel suicidal, uncontrollably rageful, and your life completely falls apart. PMDD is not a more severe form of PMS; it’s a clinical mood disorder. The key difference is the severity and the impact on your ability to function.
The Rage That Came Out of Nowhere: My Perimenopause Story
I used to be a calm person. Then, in my mid-forties, I was filled with a rage that came out of nowhere. I would scream at my husband over the smallest thing. I felt like a tea kettle that was always boiling, ready to shriek at any moment. I didn’t recognize myself. This perimenopausal rage is a real phenomenon, caused by the chaotic fluctuation of hormones that disrupt the brain’s emotional regulation centers. It wasn’t a character flaw; it was a neurological storm.
My Experience with Bioidentical Hormones
After a lot of research, I chose to try bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) for my perimenopausal symptoms. These are hormones that are molecularly identical to the ones my body produces. My doctor prescribed a custom-compounded cream with estrogen and progesterone based on my specific blood test results. For me, the experience was transformative. It felt like I was giving my brain back the exact ingredients it was missing, which stabilized my mood and cleared my brain fog.
How to Support a Partner With PPD or PMDD
Your partner’s hormonal mood disorder is not her fault. The best way to support her is to become her teammate. Educate yourself about her specific condition. Help her track her cycle and symptoms so you can anticipate the bad weeks. During those weeks, take the lead on practical things like housework and childcare. Most importantly, don’t take her irritability personally. Remind her, and yourself, that this is the illness talking, not the woman you love.
The Day I Realized I Wasn’t “Crazy,” My Hormones Were
For years, I thought I was just a “crazy,” overly emotional person. My moods were unpredictable, my anxiety was high. I felt fundamentally flawed. The day I got a diagnosis—first for PMDD, then for perimenopause—was the most validating day of my life. I wasn’t “crazy.” I was a person with a sensitive brain who was experiencing major, predictable hormonal shifts. It wasn’t a character issue; it was a chemistry issue. That realization was the beginning of true self-acceptance.
The Link Between PCOS and Mood Disorders
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in my twenties because of my irregular periods and other physical symptoms. I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I never realized they were connected. I learned that the insulin resistance and hormonal imbalances (like high androgens) that are characteristic of PCOS can have a direct impact on brain chemistry and are strongly linked to a higher risk of mood disorders. Treating my PCOS was a crucial part of treating my mental health.
How Exercise Timing Can Help or Hurt Your Hormonal Moods
I used to do high-intensity interval training (HIIT) workouts every day. I noticed that in the week before my period, these workouts would leave me feeling exhausted and anxious. I learned to sync my exercise to my cycle. During the first half of my cycle, when my energy was high, I would do my intense workouts. In the second half, especially the luteal phase, I would switch to more gentle, restorative exercise like yoga, walking, and light strength training. This supported my hormones instead of fighting them.
The Grief of Hysterectomy and Surgical Menopause
Having a hysterectomy wasn’t just a physical surgery; it was an emotional amputation. I was plunged into immediate, “surgical menopause.” The hormonal crash was brutal, causing severe depression and anxiety. But there was also a deep grief. I grieved the loss of my fertility, even though I was done having children. I grieved the loss of a part of my body that felt central to my identity as a woman. The emotional recovery was just as difficult as the physical one.
The Surprising Power of Community for Hormonal Health Issues
I felt so alone in my struggle with PMDD. I thought I was the only one. Then I found an online support group. Suddenly, I was connected to thousands of women who knew exactly what the “luteal phase from hell” felt like. They shared coping strategies, doctor recommendations, and, most importantly, validation. The power of that shared experience, of knowing I wasn’t crazy or alone, was incredibly healing. That community became a lifeline.
My “Hormone-Balancing” Morning Routine
To manage my hormonal fluctuations, I created a stabilizing morning routine. The first thing I do is get 15 minutes of morning sunlight to regulate my cortisol and circadian rhythm. Then, I have a breakfast that is high in protein and healthy fat, with no sugar, to keep my blood sugar stable. I also take my key supplements, like magnesium and B vitamins. This simple, consistent routine starts my day on a stable footing and makes me more resilient to the hormonal shifts ahead.
The Anxiety of a “Late” Period When You’re Already on Edge
When I had PMDD, the only relief came the day my period started. So, if my period was even one day late, it would send me into a spiral of panic. It meant another day of feeling suicidal, another day of rage and hopelessness. The anxiety of waiting for the bleeding to start, for the hormonal switch to flip, was immense. It’s a unique and cruel anxiety that only someone with a severe cyclical mood disorder can truly understand.
How I Used an App to Understand My Body’s Patterns
I started using a cycle-tracking app, and it became my most powerful tool. I didn’t just track my period. I tracked my mood, my energy, my anxiety, my sleep, my food cravings. After three months, the app’s charts showed me a crystal-clear, personalized map of my own hormonal patterns. I could see the exact days my mood would dip. This data was invaluable. It allowed me to predict my symptoms, plan my life accordingly, and show my doctor objective evidence of my struggle.
The Day I Chose My Mental Health Over Breastfeeding
I wanted so badly to breastfeed my baby. But it was not going well, he wasn’t gaining weight, and the stress and sleep deprivation were pushing me deep into a postpartum depression. I was killing myself to do the thing I thought a “good mother” should do. The day I finally gave myself permission to switch to formula was a day of profound grief, but also profound relief. I had to make a choice. And I chose to have a sane, healthy mother over a breastfed baby.
The Long-Term Mental Health Effects of an Undiagnosed Hormonal Issue
For over a decade, my life was ruled by what I thought was just “bad moods” and “anxiety.” I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with my personality. I made life and career choices based on this “flawed” self-perception. Getting a PMDD diagnosis at 35 was a relief, but there was also a deep sadness for the years I had lost, for the relationships that had been strained, for the woman I could have been if my real, underlying medical condition had been diagnosed and treated sooner.
How I Learned to Work With My Cycle, Not Against It
I used to try to live the same every day of the month, pushing myself at the same intensity. It was a constant battle. I learned to work with my cycle. In my follicular and ovulatory phases (the first half), when my energy is high, I schedule my big projects, my intense workouts, and my social events. In my luteal and menstrual phases (the second half), I schedule more rest, more gentle activities, and more alone time. By honoring my body’s natural rhythm, I found more peace and productivity.
The Financial Cost of Managing a Hormonal Disorder
Managing my PMDD and perimenopause has been expensive. There are the co-pays for specialists, the cost of hormone replacement therapy which isn’t always covered by insurance, the supplements, the dietary changes. There’s also the “hidden” cost of lost productivity at work during my bad weeks. The financial strain is a real and often overlooked part of managing a chronic hormonal health condition. It adds another layer of stress to an already difficult situation.
The Surprising Hope I Found in Treatment
For years, I thought I was doomed to a life of unpredictable mood swings and anxiety. I thought this was just “me.” When I finally got the right diagnosis and started the right treatment—a combination of cycle tracking, lifestyle changes, and, eventually, medication—the change was so profound it felt like a miracle. I found a sense of stability and calm I had never known was possible. The most surprising part of the journey was the deep, incredible hope that came with effective treatment.
A Letter to the Woman Whose Hormones Are at War With Her
To the woman who feels like a stranger in her own skin, who feels betrayed by her own body: I see you. You are not crazy. You are not broken. You are not “too emotional.” You are a person experiencing a real, physiological storm. Your pain is valid. Your struggle is real. Please, do not dismiss it. Keep searching for answers. Keep advocating for yourself. There is a reason for what you are feeling, and there is a path to feeling better. You are not alone in this war.
You Are Not Your Hormones, But They Are a Part of Your Story
My hormones are not the entirety of my personality. But they are a significant part of my physiological story. They influence my mood, my energy, my perception of the world. Denying their impact was a form of gaslighting myself. Accepting their role wasn’t about making an excuse; it was about understanding my own operating system. I am not my hormones, but I am a woman whose life is profoundly shaped by their powerful, cyclical rhythm. Acknowledging that truth has been key to my well-being.